Olympic Valentine's Day Trivia Questions

#1: Did you know that more women than men tune in to watch Figure Skating during the Olympics?

No really! It's a fact. More women than men tune in to watch Figure Skating. It's been all over the news, especially since Michelle Kwan withdrew from the Ladies event. Now that the Olympics have lost their star name, even VISA has had to shuffle around their commercials to eliminate the ones featuring Kwan. Which leads me to....

#2: Aren't you kind of surprised that nobody has asked why this is?

Seriously, for all the discussion that Figure Skating lures more women to the television than David Hasselhoff in his Red Baywatch Speedo, how come no one has tried to explain this curiosity?

Well my friends, I have the answer why; and because it's Valentine's Day and I'm feeling ... in the mood, I'll explain it to you.

It's biology. That's right, biology. It all comes down to sex and romance and wooing women--the same reason Robin Williams explains in The Dead Poets Society that men write poetry. And if you think about it, it makes sense.

In the animal world, it's the biggest and the strongest and the flashiest male that gets the girl. Lions have their manes. Elephants have their tusks. Peacocks have their colorful tails--which are really just a freak of nature, but an effective one. Man has his Onyx American Express Card and Donald Trump has his tower. ( I can't believe I just wrote that, but hey, it's 12:40 am.)

In Men's Figure Skating, the Top Male Figure Skaters have their frilly costumes. You know, for the longest time, I just thought that those costumes were a non-politically correct expression of their sexuality. But those costumes are actually just peacock feathers. Big, bright, frilly peacock feathers made of lace. And guess what? THEY WORK!

Think about it! Women flock to the television screens by the millions to watch Men's Figure Skating. It's because of those costumes! Those costumes scream: "Hey Baby, Look at my peacock!" What woman could possibly refuse such a romantic invitation?

I dunno guys; but honestly, wouldn't you dress up in a little lace to have fifty million women in the U.S. alone watching your acrobatic mating dance? Think of it as...Dancing With The Stars, but alone, and on ice. Okay, think of it as Dances With Wolves for all I care, but millions of women can not be wrong! Can I get an AMEN?

Let me just offer you just this one hint: Tonight, Valentine's Day in America, no single lady wants to be alone. I don't want to be alone either. So tonight, at around 7:30, I'm going to seek out a sports bar somewhere that will be broadcasting the Olympic Games. I'm going to sit next to some lonely lady at a bar and I'm going to watch Men's Figure Skating with her. I'll report back here sometime on Wednesday and let you know when my second date is.

Today's Olympic Highlights:

3:00-11:00 am: Live women's curling, USA vs. Canada; live biathlon men's 10K sprint final; live men's curling, USA vs. New Zealand; luge doubles training runs; Alpine skiing women's downhill timed training; USA
7:00 am-2:30 pm: Live women's hockey, Italy vs. Russia, Canada vs. Sweden, Switzerland vs. Germany; MSNBC
2:30 pm-5:00 pm: Live women's hockey, USA vs. Finland; USA
4:00 pm-5:00 pm: Cross-country women's team sprint final; luge women's singles; NBC
5:00 pm-8:00 pm: Women's curling, USA vs. Japan; CNBC
8:00 pm-11:30 pm: Figure Skating men's short program; Alpine skiing men's combined; speedskating women's 500 final; luge women's single final; NBC
12:05 am-1:30 am: Cross-country men's team sprint final; medals plaza award ceremony; NBC

Thanks for reading.


utenzi said...

That's funny, Matthew. So how do you explain women watching gymnastics more than men? I think it has to do more with women being attracted to the pretty, elegant sports. It's the women skating that appeal to the women--the men are on the rink just for their strength just like in ballet. The men do the lifts and the women float on air...

February 15, 2006 1:05 AM

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